When overtly Christian people commit prurient sins, we call them out with an extra pep in our step. There’s really no reason why a devout Christian should feel worse about cheating on their spouse than an atheist, but there’s no denying the added element of righteous hypocrisy. When LeBron James rants about human rights, people will call him on the ethnic Muslim slaves cobbling his Nike shoes in China. You hold yourself up in the arena, you will be judged.
Recently retired MLB second baseman-outfielder Ben Zobrist found out his wife was cheating on him. That hurts. Worse when the other dude is your family pastor and the man you tapped to run your charitable foundation. Zobrist himself appears to be a rather ardent Christian, a graduate of Texas Baptist University, and husband to Julianna, a self-described Christian influencer and gospel singer. That translates to a woman who absolutely isn’t going to help pay the bills.
You can tell Southern Christian women are on the make by the avarice with which they plunge into hair bleach. Ladies in Southern California are blonde. The gospel gals of the South are crazy blonde. Their hair takes on whatever color occurs once you get past the absence of color. A white so severe it calls regular blonde hair racist names. Julianna Zobrist was ever notable when husband Ben would arrange for her to sing the national anthem at parks where he was playing. Like Dr. Zaius in the Ape Village. She just had a different visual flow.
Ben Zobrist found out his Christian influencer wife was cheating last year when the pastor’s then-wife, Robin Yawn, contacted him with news that she’d found her husband’s burner phone. Burner phone means sexual affair or somebody’s running an international fentanyl smuggling operation. Men ambitious enough to be cartel jefes don’t get into the ministry. Assume affair. The pastor’s wife did and found messages of a salacious nature to Zobrist’s wife Julianna. The revelation likely came as a shock to Zobrist, because not only was Byron Yawn his pastor, and the head of his charitable foundation, Yawn had been providing Ben and Julianna Zobrist with marital counseling. That’s a kick to the nuts, Christian nuts, or the profane brand.
Zobrist has since filed for divorce from Julianna citing the fact she was banging this man of God in unholy ways. Zobrist’s attorneys demanded every single text, email, phone record, love note, sex letter, and cum-stained hanky exchanged between Yawn and Julianna Zobrist. Ben Zobrist also filed claims against Yawn himself for swindling money from the charitable foundation. The total price of the lawsuit against the pastor is $6 million. It’s unclear how much of that is for shagging his overly blonde Christian influencer wife and how much for ripping off the charity.
Julianna Zobrist responded to the public charges of infidelity by vaguely saying it wasn’t true (though she did admit to the sexual affair when under oath) and falling on the sword of motherhood in an Instagram post featuring her looking like a sweet angel:
I have many roles that I am extremely proud to fill—I am a teacher and a learner, a speaker and a listener, a leader and a friend to many. But, the most important role to me is—mother. Those of you who are parents will understand how heavy this responsibility is. Nothing is more important to me than my three children. I have always tried to love them in such a way that they will be able to recognize true and healthy love for the remainder of their lives.
The statement contained even more obtuse self-righteous made-up words including the perennial hit about receiving many private messages of support. You know, the ones nobody ever sees or can possibly confirm. The world’s most effective argument buttress.
Ben Zobrist and Julianna Zobrist are now haggling over a financial settlement. Ben Zobrist made $86 million in career gross earnings in his long MLB career. The dude has two rings and was a World Series MVP. He was no slouch for the Rays and later for the Cubs.
In an effort to corner some of the cash, Julianna accused her husband of having an affair too. Ben Zobrist immediately discounted that claim and asked for proof. The wife quickly backed off that fishing expedition. She moved on to suggest Ben had valuable baseball memorabilia gifted to him during his career that should be thrown into the settlement discussions. She wants some of that signed World Series baseball action. Mama needs new acrylics. And voice lessons. Just assume her singing coach has a burner phone too.
Ben Zobrist, in what must’ve been an inside jab, declared his wife was such a good Christian singer and influencer with so much talent, she’d be more than fine financially on her own post-split and didn’t need alimony. Julianna isn’t the first wily pitcher Zobrist has faced in his career. The man was very patient at the plate.
You’d like to think Zobrist is taking some comfort in the fact that his disreputable scoundrel of a pastor wasn’t a pedophile. Defrocked men of God can hurt your family in worse ways than laying pipe in your dreams-of-stardom wife. Zobrist is only 40, retired with a nice MLB pension and some cash put away. He’s a bit of a unicorn, especially with that sob story of biblical betrayal. Expect him to do very well in the “let me set you up with my daughter” department.
If his faith isn’t shaken at this point, good for him. We’ll know if he shows up with very blonde wife #2 before we see stories about him running up 100K on the black card at a strip club. But who would blame him for that either?
