Last month in her ongoing conservatorship legal battle, Britney Spears won a victory when the presiding judge said that she could ditch her court-appointed attorney and hire a Hollywood hotshot attorney. You want the latter to be able to make bold and unsupported claims to the entertainment press who repeat public relations propaganda as fact, lest they have to put in work.
Spears’ new attorney, Matthew Rosengart, immediately set up a trial-in-the-media war room at a rate per hour that would make the top private dance earner at a strip club blush. Court-appointed lawyers practice law. Guys like Britney Spears lawyer practice getting shit done. And that path was through the media, where an immediate and quite obvious jihad was waged against Britney’s father as conservator.
Just six weeks ago, the court reaffirmed that Jamie Spears would stay on as Britney’s chief conservator despite her application to the court to get him removed and multiple tear-filled rants to the courtroom via phone call in the matter. Spears basically wove a tale of being much better, but being kept like a Uighur-Nike slave under the auspices of her evil paterfamilias. But, again, legal proceedings work by the book. And nobody but the judge and a few court-appointed experts have seen the psych book on Britney. The father was allowed to stay.
Spears’ new attorney launched a swell media campaign against dad. Because he’s in that get-shit-done business, and it created such a maelstrom that Jamie Spears ultimately decided to step down. It’s never been clear whether dad is a good guy, a bad guy, or a confused guy with no clue, but it is clear that a powerhouse L.A. attorney and a mass of #FreeBritney crazies on Twitter are an unstoppable force. Like the Taliban, but with their parents’ credit cards instead of AK’s.
Dad is gone and the battle to end the conservatorship altogether continues. At this point, you’d think the new mouthpiece would sit down with Britney Spears, in her more lucid moments, and plead with her to lay low. After all, while the medical professionals ultimately provide the tangible evidence to the courts of Spears’ mental condition, much of this battle is now being fought in the public. And you don’t want to give a hint of batshit crazy to the media. For instance, by calling the cops to report your maid stole your dogs, or appearing nude a ton on social media.
Let me go on record and state: there’s nothing wrong with being an attractive woman who posts tons of topless selfies holding your own breasts to keep from being Instagram-censored. Mark Zuckerberg doesn’t like boobies. His own or his wife’s I’d presume. Still, taking off all your clothes and prancing through the daisies is a hobby often associated with denizens of the Cuckoo’s Nest. It’s when you realize grandpa needs full-time care. Or Aunt Gilly hasn’t taken her lithium. Sure, plenty of female celebrities invent all kinds of empowerment excuses for baring their bodies for likes, but when the celebrity is under a decade-long mental health conservatorship, it takes on a new meaning. Everybody around here feels yucky seeing our local bipolar homeless lady walking around without her top on, and she’s actually kind of a looker.
Most of what I know about attorneys and high-profile clients comes from the movies where the lawyer repeatedly tells the troubled client to stay out of the spotlight until the current trouble is cleared up. And in that movie, the client can never help themselves but to be seeking attention in public again. Then the attorney lectures the client on being their own worst enemy and working against the case and threatens to quit. That’s the movie. But it makes sense. And now you wonder if Rosengart had that conversation with Spears.
In her latest salvo of nudes, Spears talks some mumbo jumbo about her breasts being big because she’s eating again. Her Ted Talk on boobies aside, this is a ton of nudity. I say that as a purveyor of Britney Spears sexy images, selfies, and otherwise in her prime. Even during her 5150 commitment days, she was never the celeb who went naked for attention. Scantily clad like a pop star siren, surely. But not with the Kardashian level skin reveals in cheesecake-for-sale fashion.
Spears brought up the “it’s so hot I had to take my clothes off” routine that would get any man a slap in the face if he suggested the same to a woman. Yes, it hit 85. All the mom are taking off their shirts and squeezing their jugs on Instagram. Thank God I stopped following my own mom on social before summer.
In the piece I wrote up last month on Britney, I brought up the very real possibility that nobody really ever broaches — what if she is, in fact, nuts. The entire mainstream world is viewing this personal drama through the lens of the overbearing principal and the students who just want to play rock and roll at the school assembly. But there is the more than possible, even quite likely, possibility, based on court proceedings, that her psych tests are coming up several cards short of a full deck. When I ask the #FreeBritney supporters about this, they reflexively answer that the judge and the courtroom doctors are all corrupt and part of the conspiracy to keep her under lock and key. That’s a solid reminder most of her fans are even more crackers than Britney herself.
You’d think the preferred method of visual sharing during this legal battle would be Britney with her kids doing cute things, maybe pretending to read some Chaucer in a lounge chair on her porch, or even cleaning out the garage with little quips about “cleaning up and moving on, amIrite ladies?”. But, no, titties.
We probably won’t know for several more years what the true inspiration was behind Spears’ summer of nude photos. Whether she was truly inspired to feel like a babe again or whether the man in the moon who invades her brain was giving her orders before the lunar wars apocalypse. While waiting, I suppose, simply enjoy the sneaks. Her attorney must be pissed.
