Amber Heard took to Instagram to deliver big news by her, about her and promoting herself. Instagram has a pretty high bar for narcissism. Consider that eclipsed. Heard added a cute baby to the photo for visual effect. Apparently, it’s hers. Or so she claims.
Heard’s reputation has been under fire. Which can happen when your public image is built of smoke and mirror and vanilla-scented candles. For a good long while, Heard spun a #MeToo mirage that tall slender wealthy blonde models are people victims too. Victim of what isn’t clear. The patriarchy? Climate change? The infield fly rule in baseball?
Heard flexed her helpless prey projection when she claimed to be Johnny Depp’s puppy-eyed punching bag. Depp’s a notably scrawny wino with more bracelets than Papa Don’t Preach era Madonna. Plus Depp was super nice to Gilbert Grape whose disability was being super fucking annoying. Therefore emotionally troubled women think Depp’s beyond adorable. It’s hard to imagine Clumsy Smurf terrorizing the village with more than a series of awkward stumbles. Especially if Clumsy was suckling $45,000 in wine a month. Nobody thinks Depp is a brutal man. This in contrast to Heard actually being arrested for assaulting a previous girlfriend in an airport.
A judge in Depp’s libel case found Heard only to be a crazy bitch and not a super crazy bitch when married to Depp, which kept her from having to return the money she conned Depp out of, though a bunch of really unlikable behavioral traits came to light. For instance, she took a dump in his bed out of spite. She called it a joke, but convention would insist that to be a joke, there has to be some expectation of laughter. In the history of the world, who’s ever chuckled when they found a human dookie betwixt their bedsheets. The picture painted of Heard was a troubled, often aggressive and violent, pisspoor romantic partner.
Many-a-Twitter mob emerged trying to cancel Heard from working again in Aquaman II. Though it was hard to distinguish that mob from the larger chorus simply begging Warner to not make another shitty DC movie. Especially about the lame fish-man. Jason Mamoa is why they invented OnlyFans for women. You don’t need a $200 million CGI tentpole. Tip him in the assless chaps room and save the rest of us trying to figure out why underwater breathing creatures would need constructed air pockets to talk to one another.
Women like Amber Heard always return. Models never really go away. Only cocaine can truly kill them. Even then only in quantities large enough to require a rich boyfriend. Thus, Heard’s first move was to date Elon Musk. This seems like more of the last move on the desperation move chart. It’s like ending your bucket list with ‘finally watch The Sopranos”. That’s really more of an opener. Sadly, the quintessential couple of convenience broke it off due to “intense scheduling problems”. Translate that as her probably taking a dump in his bed as well. That angry squat likely cost her Mars.
What’s a narcissistic angry lesbian who dates rich men to do when all else fails? Buy a baby. According to Heard’s new baby acquisition announcement, she’s been planning this move for four years. By comparison, the Empire State Building was completed in just over one year. It’s possible lesbians inherently don’t know where babies come from.
Heard said she undertook this process knowing it was a revolutionary step for a single woman to contemplate having a baby.
“I hope we arrive at a point in which it’s normalized to not want a ring in order to have a crib.”
— Amber Heard, borrowing from The View who borrowed from a NOW pamphlet who found something clever once written by a man.
Only roughly 1.8 million babies are born to unwed mothers every year in the U.S. Talk about Heard being first on the moon. In fact, it’s so common that it’s become a massive problem. Single motherhood statistically leads to all sorts of increased poor outcome levels for children. It’s fundamentally destroyed the black community in America, drastically increasing poverty rates, poor educational outcomes, incarcerations, and unemployment. You do save money on ties every Father’s Day. You might say the only reason to get a ring in the modern culture is to couple up to start a family unit. Why else get married now? The blender from Williams Sonoma?
Heard patted herself repeatedly on the back while leaving little adulation for the person who actually had the baby — surrogate who grew that new life in her belly while Heard attended Fashion Weeks and plotted her next anger poop. Apparently, paying somebody else to have your baby is “radical” too, if not expensive, depending on if you have a promo code. Many actresses in Hollywood are either adopting or paying other women to have their babies for them these days. Most at least invent a fake medical reason why they can’t carry children themselves. Something Latin that sounds way more serious than “half my photos are me mostly naked and stretch marks don’t go with that business model”.
Heard spun this reproductive slacktivism into a fine-tuned wonder-of-me moment. Literally, anything a female celebrity does now falls under the aegis of empowerment. Simply by wishing it so. Purchase fake tits and insist you don’t care what people think. Empowerment. Get your implants removed because silicone represents the oppression of the male gaze. Empowerment. Be fat and claim you’ve accepted your girth. Empowerment. Lose weight because diabetes doesn’t sound like a fabulous 40-something life plan. Empowerment Shit in Johnny Depp’s bed, take him for $7 million, beat up your ex-girlfriend, pay a chick to have your baby for you, and declare it all a Betty Friedan burn-your-bras moment. Empowerment.
I’m no process engineer, except when I was, but womenfolk seems to be setting a rather low bar for internal approval. Participation trophies are harder to attain than a You-Go-Girl. You wonder if that seal clapping strategy pays off in the end.
Amber Heard as of now is keeping her gig on Aquaman II. She will be reporting from the set with Impact font on how she’s a working single mother being shamed for breastfeeding. Or her wet nurse is being shamed. Same difference. There’s a playbook for this. That playbook works so well that people think Alyssa Milano has smart ideas. Consider that alternative universe construct.
